A Thought That Arrived Like a Robber

I don't know why I cried, and I guess deep down I don't really want to know the reason. I'm not ready to search for it myself. As I'm about to run away to my solitude retreat, I started to feel the turbulence that comes from breaking the safe, peaceful routines I've kept for months. Even though I'm not saying goodbye to the people in my daily life just yet, I already feel myself missing those who truly live in my world.

Emotional Turbulence

This week, I just wanted to document this emotionally fragile moment first. I can't really categorize it as a high note or a low note of the week, but my heart ached, so it probably belongs to the low.

I didn't quite notice how it started. But one night a thought suddenly broke into my mind like the most arrogant robber. The robber said: not long from now, all your friends will die before you.

I was shocked. It felt like I had been thrown into the deepest desert of sadness. I don't usually notice people aging, even my closest friends. But I guess my subconscious has been quietly noticing everything, registering it all, until one annoying trigger ignited the whole thing. And suddenly everything exploded into ashes and buried me in an uncontrollable, frightened sadness.

I can't remember the last time I cried. But that night, when I called an old friend and heard her still familiar voice, I felt like I could cry at any moment. My friends are going to die before me. That thought was terrifying. The feeling of being left alone almost paralyzed me. But I tried to sleep early. I tried to wake up early. And gradually the feeling eased away.

Emotional turbulence sometimes appears without warning. You're not always sure where it comes from, but it must be rooted in some deep emotion you've been avoiding during the daytime.

Thankfully, I think I'm becoming more resilient to these moments. In the past, something like this might have kept me sad for days. Now, it usually passes within a day or two. Still, thinking about my friends dying one day… it hurts.

A Small Highlight of the Week

As for the high note of the week, I don't really want to admit it, but I have to: I don't think I had a clear high note last week. That's unusual. Normally I have many. So instead, I'll just share something that wasn't sad.

I went to our hiking event and we did a beautiful 5K hike. The view was amazing. There was a gentle breeze, and planes were flying across the sky here and there.

The landscape actually looks quite similar to our own city. But maybe because it was someone else's city, a place we don't visit often, everything felt fresh and a little exciting.

That was probably the highlight of the week. And I love my purple jacket. I wear it to keep away the cold, and sometimes I wrap myself in it when I want to sleep or reading my book. It feels warm in a quiet, protective way.

How was your week? I hope you had a good one. And I hope to hear your stories too.