The Friendship Recession: Why Adults Are Struggling To Build Close Relationships

This is a universal phenomenon that is affecting both individual and collective psyches. Humans thrive on companionship. The pandemic is solely to blame, however that particular far from auspicious time is not really to blame. The no-friends-trend-turned-friendship-recession, bringing forth the loneliness epidemic was a thing before 2020.

A study by the University of Sydney brings to light that 40% of young people are lonely. According to the Medical Journal of Australia, 28.5% of adults over the age of 60 are lonely. Similar statistics outside of Australia also echo these sentiments. Therefore, the current friendship recession (as at the time of writing) is not confined to Gen Z onwards. Whether you grew up with a gym timetable that you attach to the fridge with magnets, or with the same timetable via an app on your iPhone; none of us are immune to this friendship recession. Not to sugar coat it, however making new friends right now is f*cking hard - irrespective as to whether you are shy or outgoing; social or not so social. Having no friends or a lack of friends is the culprit for anxiety and depression. Case in point; we are all connected, and we all need each other. Humans thrive off social companionship. The herd mentality is real. Friendship recessions (like any recession) are far from fun.

"Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." - Brene Brown

Perhaps the Under 16's social media ban that took effect in December 2025 in Australia could be the catalyst and inspiration for more people (again, irrespective of age and gender) to enjoy more offline catch ups, as the yearning to connect with other people is solid and getting stronger. Friendship clubs (from book clubs to social clubs), community dinners and hobby groups (like crochet) are starting to grow for more in person connections to blossom.

Movement restrictions from the pandemic such as lockdowns and social distancing caused growing isolation, and the loss of many friendships. Per human nature, and the fact that some people are more adaptable and resilient to change than others (irrespective as to whether you are introverted or more social and outgoing); to this day some people have lost the ability to strike up a conversation with a stranger in person as a result.

This confidence needs to be restored, even though the fear of rejection is a common fear in the human psyche. Others have become homebodies and hermits, due to the habit of staying at home and/or self isolating for prolonged periods of time.

Having to mainly self isolate for two months from a recent ankle fracture, while unable to walk without crutches served as pure inspiration to write a feature article on helping fellow introverts to get out of the house more, and surprisingly went viral, being the most read Vocal Media article of yours truly's to date. That is a classic example of people needing help to get out more. A couple of the comments on this article verified the true facts that some people are still having challenges adapting to the new normal post pandemic. The good news is that in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) - it takes around 30 days of repeated, changed behaviours for new habits to form.

As I weaned off the crutches, starting to walk without support around six days after the cast was removed; my walking pace was slower than what it was pre-accident for a few weeks. During that slower walking period, yours truly was in awe to the social shock of the number of people walking around glued to their smartphone screens, chasing an artificial dopamine hit which would feel more natural if connecting with a real fellow human being; even though everyone is given a choice.

There is nothing wrong with technology, screen time, and social media; yet if you were asked the question as to whether or not you prefer 5,000 social media (online only) friends, or five real life friends, which would you choose? The five real in person friends would be a standout choice. Each like and friend online provides an illusion of security and friendship.

Anyone born from 1976 - 1985 falls in between real life connections and connections that are solely online. There is less friction in sending a text message and liking a post, than it is to call that same person, and ask them out for lunch or a coffee. Having received therapy and coaching via phone and Zoom, as well as in person; reflecting on this, the most successful therapy sessions have definitely been face-to-face/in person.

Furthermore, for those of us born in the year ranges in the above paragraph would also remember having to walk and travel to a friends house - knock on their door and ask if they want to hang out and play during childhood. If your mate happened to have been grounded, you would find out the harder way. Not via a quick two second SMS. In person connections existed, and they were real. There is nothing wrong with playing video games either. Given the choice between playing a video game in a milk bar or arcade with a friend in person, or playing the same at home via a screen; which would you prefer? Playing outside and getting dirty while appreciating nature built bonds and connections with our friends during childhood for those of us born in the analog world, where we owned our first smartphones while in our 20's; not at two years of age.

The cost of living crisis that began in 2022 has also killed some social connections. The effects of inflation and the housing crisis means that more money is needed to survive rather than to thrive and build friendships. Be grateful if you can afford a sit down cafe coffee every day. There are affordable and free ways to build your friendships and connect with your friends; yet there is some travel friction if your friends do not live close by.

In times of war and conflict, and if people are feeling the pinch with the costs of the basics imploding for some people, combined with job search challenges for many; many people stay at the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs in order to get their basic needs met before thinking of safety and security, and then social connections.

The cost of living and the housing crisis has pushed some people out of cities, or further out from the CBD in urban areas. More people are renting on short leases for greater flexibility. Friends moving out of town, interstate and overseas naturally causes some friendships to end.

Additionally, as long-term unemployment is becoming the norm for many people due to layoffs, both due to AI and economic reasons; apps that were once designed for dating (maybe even friendship) purposes such as Hinge and Tinder are now being used for networking opportunities to gain job interviews and work, as well as refer talent on for referral fees that can range in the thousands if you recommend someone to a firm who is the right fit, and they are hired. These apps provide an abundance of choice, to the point where it is overwhelming, whether neurodivergent or not; even though these apps have worked for many people.

Furthermore, the 2025 Real Relationships Report prepared by life insurance provider Real Insurance reveals that over 1 in 2 Australians (54%) have shrinking friendship circles, while 2 in 5 (44%) go out less due to the current cost of living. Things that make you go hmmmm....

In terms of work, people's work hours are rising in order to live comfortably. Many people have had to take on a side hustle in addition to their main job as a result, and such takes away time and energy to catch up with family and friends. Remote work is isolating, with an always on expectation. Even if you are engaged in work that you love, there are times where you are physically, mentally and/or emotionally tired and/or exhausted, where rest and relaxation is naturally calling, so to not overrun your body.

If someone is mentally unwell (whether mild or extreme social anxiety, or normal anxiety); that makes it challenging for people to make new friends. There is a significant level of vulnerability required when it comes to sustaining all forms of relationships, no matter the level of intimacy. With any forms of illness, and the same is true with injuries, and recovering from such; it is normal to push people away due to stress; especially if you happen to be carrying the weight in a specific friendship by reaching out the most, if not entirely.

If friends are not great at respecting your personal boundaries in order for their needs to be met above all else, then that friendship will not last. This could be something simple as calling you while you are away spending some quality time with family who live far away from you, while that boundary has been communicated clearly. Even texting you while you are in hospital, and you advised them that you have chosen to leave your phone at home, requesting rest and no visitors for healing to naturally take place. It is now commonplace in some cases for friends to "trauma dump" their issues onto you, and/or to constantly complain about their life in a negative way. Friends are there to support one another; yet if it gets to the point where that particular 'friend' needs to speak to their therapist rather than to you for their issues - and they are trauma dumping the same onto you; that friendship is unbalanced. There needs to be equality of joy and uplift.

While at school and college/university; it is easier to catch up with friends, as there is minimal if any planning involved - because you both show up and see one another every single day by default. A lot of effort is needed to catch up with friends where schedules and moods amazingly align, even for a coffee catch up. Friendships naturally fade if either party cannot agree on regular catch ups with schedules aligning in sync.

People marry and have children. More energy is expected in bringing a new human being into the world. Friendships (especially from those study days) naturally fade.

Sociologist Ray Oldenburg refers to social avenues such as dance halls, events, and neighbourhood pubs as "third places" - where in the past were great places to make friends with ease and grace. Over time, due to trends and lifestyle adjustments to the digital space and the cost of living; these third places are disappearing, even though change towards restoring these third places is on the horizon. Having worked in event management briefly; it requires more chutzpah than required to host and run events, from catering arrangements to ensuring that all attendees show up on time. There are insurance and liability challenges from running events, with the pandemic cancelling many of these in person experiences - thus losing their gold dust.

With the fast changing world that we live in, there are times where many of us need to conserve our energy just to survive sometimes. There is a lot going on. It is a challenge for working hours and schedules to align.

Despite all of these challenges, people are making new friends. Not all friendships are going to be long lasting, and that is ok. On this, there is a perception that in order to be 'successful' with our relationships, they must be long term. The saying that things happen for a reason or a season is wise. Friendships that arise from a specific milestone or adversity, from a positive relocation/moving house, to an accident that temporarily impacts your mobility; short term friendships (wether days, weeks or months - never a full year) can help a person with their future relationships; support a certain goal or milestone, as well as offer new perspectives on life. Such friendships can be even more powerful and significant on a human beings psyche than longer term friendships that can coast along, leading to boredom and/or stagnation. All friendships require mindfulness and compassion. Listening and giving needs two to tango.

For a variety of reasons, and with instant gratification through technology, as well as the rise of buy now pay later initiatives; delayed gratification seems to be yesteryear. Just because you attend a walking group once, and you do not make any friends right away; that is a normal situation, and is not a failure, or a dent to your self worth.

On this, how can we beat loneliness and/or make more friends as an adult during this friendship recession?

You need to get out of the house and start meeting people. Start small, and then build up more and more exposure to other people. Take every opportunity you can to mingle with others. If you find yourself waiting in line at the airport, the bank, or the post office to name; start a conversation. If you get rejected, do not give up or take it personally. Everyone has different personalities. We are not meant to gel with everyone - only certain people. On a recent interstate trip, yours truly started a conversation with the person sitting in the middle seat next to me on the plane. It all started with complimenting him on his zen-like screensaver, and that compliment led to him opening up to me about having 5,000 emails to answer, combined with sharing our love of steak frites and travelling. We ended up being great companions until our flight landed. Did I make a new friend? Not exactly, yet I initiated a conversation with a likeminded person to not be lonely on that particular flight.

"Like a dandelion growing through concrete, I persist." - Anonymous

If you have the time and the inclination to volunteer with something that you are passionate about; not only do the feel good endorphins come out to play by giving back, however you can meet likeminded people who can become a new friend or group of friends for you.

Participate in events/attend conferences where you can connect with others. You may not make friends at these events and confidences, yet they build exposure to rejection, as well as building your self confidence with opportunities to network and meet new people.

Attend a course in a hobby that you have been willing to try such as cooking, or learning a new skill such as a new language. With repeated attendances for a few hours a week over a number of weeks, trust is being built. There are affordable courses out there, and many public libraries offer certain programs for free.

Connect with animals such as dogs. They are friendly companions to us humans, and their love is unconditional. If you cannot own a dog, offer to pet sit someone else's dog. Or foster them. Our four-legged companions are loyal friends. And they force us to be more social with other humans.

Do not underestimate micro-friendship opportunities, such as chatting to the concierge/front desk in your apartment building (if applicable), as well as the barista at a local cafe. They love to remember their regular customers by name. It is fun and empowering to remember them by name in return. Talk to your neighbours.

Attending ongoing weekly events and sessions on the same day, time and place reduces friction in making new friends. It takes around attending at least 20 sessions of networking breakfasts at business networking events such as BNI before other members start sending you leads and referrals, because you need to earn and gain their trust. No different to making new friends. Remember, you need to spend at least 200 hours with someone privately for them to be a close friend. This is why making friends at work is pretty common. I mean, you're both sharing the same oxygen for eight hours a day right? Repeated exposure to one another over time.

Such weekly events and sessions where making new friends is common in these times includes, however is not limited to the following suggestions:

• Pilates/yoga sessions/other fitness classes.
• Run clubs, coffee clubs (such as Chatty Cafe Australia) and book clubs to name. (Those type of clubs. Wherever you live in this incredible world of ours, these clubs exist).
• Pub trivia nights.
• Walking groups.

Finally, it is worth it to revive old friendships; those ones that just fizzled away. You can text them something along these lines: "Just thinking of you - how have you been? Would you like to have a coffee with me sometime? My shout." Just an example.

If you have 1-2 close human friends in your life (your romantic partner would also count as a friend); you are doing really well. Give yourself some credit. According to Anthropologist Robin Dunbar; human beings can maintain about 150 meaningful social relationships, with only three to five extremely close friendships at a time.

"I get by with a little help from my friends?" - The Beatles

If you have any other suggestions to help others in this wonderful community, on constructive, practical and helpful ways to make real life in person friends in a friendship recession - please kindly provide your thoughts and insights in the comments. Thank you so much.