Chuck Norris, “Dead” at 86

Chuck Norris is dead. I’m going to write that again because it bears repeating. Chuck Norris is dead. The man who launched so many memes and had a great life, it’s finally over.

Let’s see if we can’t delve into some of his meme-like jokes that often hinted at his immortality.

He was born from an eagle and a mountain lion at the age of fifteen. Then, he was sent to raise himself. He traveled the forests and the deserts seeking adventure and journeys.

He first encountered a man at the age of twenty-one. He ultimately destroyed this man, brought him back to life and demolished him again. He found a woman and thought about mating with her. She had eight of his kids based on that one thought.

Early on, he had a notion for self-defense and martial arts. He trained with grizzly bears and pumas to get his foothold on the practice. Except it wasn’t practice to him, it was expertise.

He found himself in Hollywood which he set on fire. Literally. They had to put out the blazes to the studios for days. Work found him on the lots. He starred in a string of movies and established himself as an action star. Or better yet, the movies absorbed his greatness and he became the ultimate superstar of all time.

He took on shows but he made the small screen smaller after he showed up in his first scene. He towered over the other actors and caused the cameras to cry and the microphones to cower in fear. He kept doing movies and some TV spots but money kept calling. Exercise equipment made him the wealthiest man on the planet. By selling trillions of units, he became a champion of the gym again.

In later years, news outlets alleged that Mr. Norris checked out on that one way ticket to the unknown and unknowable.

But he’s not dead…really. He’s still kickboxing and dropping savvy lines with the best of them. Here are a few lines about his “supposed” demise:

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he organizes his body parts and brings them into life.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he goes up to heaven and rearranges it to look like the set of Walker, Texas Ranger

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he goes to hell and has a beer with Lucifer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he circles the earth, but unlike Superman he goes into the future.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he stops his brain and heart to do surgery on the both at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he holds his own funeral service and buried himself to come back to life after everyone has left.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he plots the story of his life to come back again on Earth.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he only visits Death for a short time and then comes back to life.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he brings in his earnings from his exercise equipment and sells it to Lucifer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, keeps going just to trick people into thinking he’s dead.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he just taps into a different person and transfers his spirit into them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he alters the axis of the Earth and and brings back to the hour his death. Then, he speeds up the Earth to the time he’s a trillion years old.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he simply reverses course and goes back into the life position.

Chuck Norris doesn’t die, he creates a cocoon and lives in it for millennia . Then, he sprouts from it and takes over the Earth.